Hi, hello there! Guess who's back from hiding?! Yes it's me and boy a lot sure has changed since the last time I posted. Apologies for the unplanned disappearance and grumps of a mood last time we spoke, I'm doing much better these days. So first let's start off with the changes... I now have bangs (or fringe if you're a Brit) and ombre hair... I know, I caved! I have a new job which is really demanding but I'm learning so much more and I couldn't be happier (most of the time, there's still that darn learning curve you know?!) But the people are so lovely and man I can't stress enough how much of a difference that makes in a generally stressful working environment that seems to go hand in hand with the fashion industry. I mean, we're designing denim people, not saving lives... calm down! And then I also had a birthday and went skydiving naked but that was just a dream so really I'm just another year older. Another whole year... So I had thought that I had made peace with getting older and that I was going to stop confusing people about my age. For a while there I was just telling people different (younger) ages than my real one so that eventually no one would know how old I really was, brilliant plan, I know! Others would age but I would be however old you thought I was. It doesn't hurt that I look really young too... except that one time you forget your i.d. and the bar tender won't serve you even though you are now EIGHT YEARS older than the legal drinking age (true story). So whatever, I'm aging, getting older, adding another year of wisdom or what not and I thought we (myself and I) were on board. But then my birthday came and suddenly I didn't feel so brave anymore. It just hit me, one year closer to being 30, THIRTY! All those things on my 30 before 30 list, the scary ones especially that I've putting off because I have time, well guess what, it's time! Such a mixture of emotions that I did not expect at all. I mean, I'm almost thirty for pete's sake! Shouldn't I have it a tad bit more together by now?! But I don't, or at least I sure as hell didn't on my birthday. So I did what all people do on their birthdays when they realize they might not be ok with it at all and I drove myself to work and had a good long cry while singing "Counting Stars" by One Republic. Then wiped away my smeared mascara, blew my nose, and put a smile on my face because it was only day 2 at my new job and I still had to hide the crazy!
So that song, especially the part that goes- old but I'm not that old, young but I'm not that bold really struck a cord with me. Thing is I am old, or older... but I still don't feel like I'm that old. Old enough to have a mortgage, figure out 41K's, or be responsible for another human being... no way! I'm pretty proud of how far I've come but let's be real, my succulents always die. Sometimes I pay bills a little late and I can be pretty lazy and eat straight up milk and cereal for dinner for nights in a row. But I'm not that young, impulsive, bold girl I used to be either. I think about risks and consequences and well, life has thrown some pretty wild curve balls at me that have changed me. I'm not the same person that I was in my early twenties which granted, is sometimes for the best. But I do struggle with being carefree and letting go on a regular basis. But then I still worry about the silly things like making friends and will they like me so then I feel childish again. Ugh, it's a constant inner battle which I'm sure a lot of you (I hope) also go through. Please say some of you relate and it's not just me. I'm not even going to bring up the big elephant in the room that is known as baby. I just don't know. Though I am acutely aware that my clock is ticking but still... So yea, that's what has been going on lately in my world. And I almost thought I was going to be able to make it through the day without mention of my birthday but then again there is hubs who was a dear, facebook and the rest of the social medias. Not to mention that one of my coworkers also happens to be a good friend of mine and she made sure I had cookies and cupcakes at the new job which was nice. Because while I wanted to fast forward through the day or cancel my birthday all together, it was still nice to know that people cared. I even got a handmade card via snail mail all the way from the UK courtesy of the British nieces which coincidentally, also moved me to tears. I guess being overly emotional and crying at the drop of a feather is also a curse that has come with age... sigh.
Funny thing is that after the actual day was over, I felt fine again. And although this may sound silly, I felt wiser and found this new calm that just felt right. Like suddenly things have clicked and I can step back from icky situations and look at them through a new, "wiser" if you will, perspective. I have conversations with myself where I reassure myself because now I know through life experiences (because I have life experiences people!) that things are not doomed like I thought they were that last time or the time after that. Because the past has proven that I will be ok and I will manage and I will deliver even though I may feel like I'm drowning at the time. Emotional young me surfaces up as an instant reaction and then old wise me has a chuckle and tells me to calm the ef down. Man hubs is lucky, he married a winner hu?! So all this rambling just to say that I'm back and I'm good. I think the last few months or the grumpy months as I like to lovingly refer to them were just some sort of growing pains. I'd like to talk more on that but maybe in another post... this one is already pretty lengthy. So now I will awkwardly exist because let's face it, no matter how old I get, I don't think I'll ever out grow awkward...
***Today I am thankful for a new perspective on life***