Last week was a tough one. Nothing ridiculously serious or alarming, but just hard all the same. I could feel all the old symptoms returning... feeling heavy with the weight of my worries on my shoulders, that pesky grey cloud that hovers over my head and forces my face into a permanent frown, the motions of shutting down and closing up, not wanting to interact with anyone. Even L.A. seemed to match my mood as the legendary June gloom set in (I'm sorry locals!), specially for me.
Poor hubs was ever the saint, already too familiar with the grey version of me. And between working crazy hours (I'm talking past midnight) and weekends, he shouldn't have really had to deal with me but then again that's life... or maybe just marriage. I tried my hardest though, I promise, to not lash out and keep it as controlled as I possibly could... that's the control freak in me. So what does a girl do when all she feels like doing is being self indulgent with sulking? Well, eat a whole bag (the big one) of dark chocolate mint m&ms and have a week long Sex and the City marathon so I could be annoyed by someone other than myself... I'm looking at you Carrie! That's right guys, I threw myself a big ol' pity party for one and you know what, it was kind of nice.
I think it's important sometimes to just go with the sadness and let it be. I learned the hard way that sometimes fighting it isn't the best option for me. I can try and pretend that everything is fine... heck I can even fool you with the perfect smile that I've come to master over the years. Thing is when I hold everything in, it all explodes in a volcano of emotions triggered by the most stupidest of things like hub's socks being on the floor... and yes also usually aimed at poor hubs which is unfair to him, I know. So I let the sadness wash over me like a waterfall and let it cleanse away my woes.
Something unexpected happened this time. For the first time ever, I was too sad to be angry. I was simply too sad to feel anything else really, just indifferent to the world. You know something is up when I can't even be inspired enough to instagram! Again I tried... and I try each and every day to find the beauty that this life has to offer. To embrace it all and remind myself that I am lucky to be alive and married to my best friend... but it just wasn't working last week. Like the little sad button in my brain had been accidentally switched and left on, overshadowing all other emotions. What can you do when you're just sad?
Then at some point I decided that I was too old to be sad (ain't nobody got time for that!) and started unpacking with a viciousness that surprised even me. Which led to me purging of my belongings... I wanted to donate and get rid of everything because who needs all this stuff anyways?! Before I knew it, I had stacks of throw away and donate piles and simultaneously made up my mind that I needed to chop all of my hair off. Because I want change, I want to stir things up, I've never felt more restless in my life, and California was supposed to be different!
I've been trying for over two years to find permanent work now in two different continents and could basically write the book on how to find a job except I wouldn't be able to finish said book... or sad book (you decide). And if one more person tells me how crazy talented I am or that I work harder than anyone they know or that I am so good at what I do, I might just scream. Because despite all of the great things everyone else seems to see, I am still somehow without a job.
But what do I really have to complain about... really? I mean I'm living in gorgeous L.A. just a hop, skip and a jump away from the beach making this the fourth major city I have lived in. I have my health and thanks to my Hispanic genes am nearing 30 going on 20... I got asked if I was Mormon the other day because who else marries so young? I have my best friend by my side after years of sacrifice and long distance loving. And let's not forget my amazing support system aka the people that see the real me at my worst. I think I probably spent a combined time of over eight hours on the phone with little k and M last week. Thanks you guys for letting me just be miserable and vent... like therapy but free. So why do I complain? Because I 'm human... and also because I just feel slightly lost in the grand scheme of life.
Purpose... what is my purpose? Oh if only I knew! It's funny (and also not so funny) how far off track I am at this point in my life. 18 year old me had me married to my high school sweetheart and living in Miami with a few kids by now. 24 year old me had me marrying hubs in the near future and climbing the corporate ladder in NYC for another six years before having kids. And 28 year old me, well she doesn't know what to expect anymore. About life, work, kids... nada.
Anyways, long rant aside, I said I was going to allow my self destructive nature to win for a week. And so yesterday I took the first baby steps towards finding the old me in the form of an amazing home cooked meal for hubs. It was my way of saying thank you (for letting me be) and I'm sorry (for me being me). Not to brag or anything, but this meal was so dang good, hubs even instagramed it! It's the little things, you know.
So maybe today I'll do some laundry... maybe I'll even lace up and go for a run!
>>>Update: I did do laundry and I did go for a baby run...
I also got locked out of my apartment and ended up folding ALL of my laundry (as if I didn't regularly fold my underwear), zipping up all the zippers, and doing up all the buttons to kill time. Longest hour of my life!
Touche God... touche!