Today was my last (and first) long run in training for Berlin. This was supposed to be the race where I stayed disciplined and dedicated to the 12 week nike+ program that Ive been using in the past... but it didn't quite happen. I started off really strong and with genuine intentions but life (and myself) got in the way. If I'm being completely honest, because running is just as mental as it is physical, a lot of the times it was me getting in the way of myself. Scared of failing, being "too busy", procrastinating, and at times being depressed all stopped me. It's really hard to get out on the road when when your brain isn't cooperating. As it turns out, for me running has become a very powerful double edged sword. I use it to battle my demons and take control of something in my life... to push myself further mentally and physically than I thought I was even capable of... to help me feel strong and confident when all else is falling apart... and to ride the high of endorphins when everything just clicks. The downside comes when life gets me so down I start to doubt even my running and I hide... I feel guilty at the sight of every runner passing by... I feel shame in the excuses I know I am feeding myself to get out of running... I feel too weak to go back out and it can turn into a nasty downward spiral... that oddly enough can only be conquered with me running again.
When I began running, I had no idea what I was doing (I still don't really) and I don't think I ever really expected to keep up with it for this long... I mean I'm running my fourth half marathon people... that is HUGE!!! And while it is such an intense love and hate relationship, I can't really see my life without it.
Today was a big day in that of my running career... a day of forgiving myself (something really hard for me to do) for not perfectly sticking to the plan (next time) and for realizing that when I take the pressure off, everything just happens naturally. With a clear head I set out with one goal in mind... 10 miles (documenting each in picture form) and making peace with the fact that I may have to walk at times due to lack of proper training. With the load of my mind, I was determined to just enjoy the run and take it a mile at a time. And you know what the outcome was? I managed to run all 10 miles!!! Berlin here I come =)
I run because:
I can... it's hard... I'm a secret masochist... I am an adrenaline junkie... it keeps me fit... it keeps me sane... it's cheaper than a therapist... i can't find a job... it's an excuse to be outdoors... everyone thought I couldn't do it... I thought I couldn't do it... some races give you shiny medals... it makes the world a better place... being a part of the running crowd is cool... being a part of RDC is even cooler... it makes me feel good... I get to talk to myself for long stretches of time... it helps me explore a new city... it helps feel like a part of something... it makes me believe I can accomplish anything... it's all about me on the road... it is bigger than me...
***Today I am thankful for my little body... perfect in every way, strong enough to carry me for 10 miles and hopefully the rest of my life***