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| pic found here |
So Ive thought long and hard about blogging on this topic for awhile now... yes, no, keeping it light and friendly... just above the surface... but you know what? This is a lifestyle blog chronicling my life and sometimes it's not that perfect. Sometimes I do break down, and sometimes I just need to vent (even if don't know who actually reads this). So here goes... a muddled together typed version of my thoughts and feelings lately... Sorry if it makes no sense.
I completely believe in the above saying... respect it even. I believe in trying hard, your hardest, and then some to get what you want out of life. And I guess for the most part I have always seen the results pretty soon afterwards. But what do you do when you try and try, get knocked down and get back up again, only to keep failing? What do you when you start losing hope and start feeling like maybe things should come a little bit easier because your tired, you feel like you've proved yourself, have a wounded spirit, and just don't know how to keep trying? I started this blog at the beginning of the year, and as many of you know it hasn't been the smoothest of rides. In the past 12 months I have gotten engaged, ended a career, gotten married, relocated to another country, and tried to start a new life. It has been a roller coaster of emotions, an exciting and exhausting adventure, and I'm starting to feel a bit overwhelmed!
I find myself feeling really homesick even though I haven't lived at home since I was 18. And even though Ive lived here before, London feels a lot more frigid and cold this time around, and I'm not just referring to the weather (that's taking getting used to in itself). Making friends and branching out on my own has been close to non existent since I lack a job to meet new people. My daily routine for the most part consists of running (something I cling to to as my own), wandering about, and Starbucks. The lack of jobs in the market is so depressing at times, and just recently discovering that my whole portfolio and approach has to be changed from the NYC standard that it's in is enough to send anyone running. To say that my pride and ego have taken a beating out here is an understatement... and not to sound conceded, but Ive always known my talent and valued my worth.
Just a whole series of events that Ive encountered since the move... from losing a loved one, developing allergies when Ive never had any, being stolen from, dealing with draining friendships, lack of internet (sounds childish I know), and many more... it just seems like London is trying to keep me down... or is it life? I don't know anymore. And I realize that I am very fortunate to have found the love of my life, who has been nothing but supportive, patient, understanding, and much more tolerant of me than Ive even been of myself to help in this journey... yet some how I can't help but feel sad, frustrated, upset, and angry. Staying true to my positive, happy, smiley self is getting harder and harder as I feel more and more lost. This loss of identity and purpose is probably the most frightening and am trying desperately to find myself again.
I'm not really sure why I am writing all this and sharing so much... if you ask any of my friends, I am generally a very private person when it comes to the hard stuff. But I felt the urge to, and I may regret it later (although I also strongly believe in never regretting your choices), but I guess I'll just have to see what come out of this. For now at least I feel a sense of calm in getting this out there... off of my chest. Am I perfect? No way. Trying my hardest? You betcha. All I can do is be me and just hope that sooner or later I get a brake... and trust me, you guys will be the first to know! Thanks for listening and I'm done with the whining...
***Today I am thankful for hubs for he is truly my rock and what keeps me going out here***
